Steve Ralls, The Huffington Post - -
A picture may be worth a thousand words, but the picture on the ground in Iraq is quickly making military personnel who can translate Arabic priceless.
This morning's Christian Science Monitor reports that the Army is preparing to offer a staggering $150,000 retention bonus to service members who are proficient in Arabic, "in reflection of how critical it has become for the US military to retain native language and cultural know-how in its ranks." Indeed, as the war in Iraq goes on, and the military subsequently finds fewer and fewer people anxious for extended stays in the desert, retaining trained troops is becoming a critical centerpiece of many commanders' strategies. The supply of Arabic speakers just isn't keeping up with the demand created by ongoing wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.
"The military's conventional language training program, the Defense Language Institute in Monterey, Calif., could not churn out enough American soldiers proficient in Arabic, Kurdish, Dari, Pashtu, and Farsi, and the military quickly turned to private contractors to fill the gap," reporter Gordon Lubold writes. "Numerous programs have sprouted up, including one at Fort Lewis, Wash., where soldiers are given a 10-month immersion program in language and culture."
The Army is taking almost every step imaginable -- from six-figure bonuses to civilian interpreters in the warzone to recruitment campaigns targeting Arab-American communities -- to beef up its language capability. Every step, that is, except one. Army officials have yet to tell Congress to dump the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" law that has resulted in the dismissal of more than 5 dozen Arabic speakers who were otherwise qualified and ready to serve.
In fact, as the House Armed Services Committee's Personnel Subcommittee tackled the question of possible repeal in July, not a single representative from the Department of Defense was on-hand to weigh in on the issue. And while, in some ways, that's a welcome change from 1993, when Pentagon brass passionately insisted on excluding gay Americans from the forces, it also underscores that Congress has a critically important role to play when it comes to bolstering military readiness.
Congressman Gary Ackerman (D-NY) has the right idea. A steadfast supporter of repealing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," he has also insisted that, until Congress can muster the will to do away with the law, the federal government should at least be taking steps to keep qualified specialists, like Arabic linguists, in its employ. In February 2007, Ackerman famously queried Secretary of State Condaleeza Rice about her department's efforts to find trained Arabic speakers.
During hearings on the State Department's 2008 budget request, Ackerman noted that Secretary Rice repeatedly emphasized the importance of recruiting qualified language experts to work in the agency. Remembering that the armed forces have fired more than 300 language experts (including those 5 dozen fluent in Arabic), Ackerman wondered, "Can we marry up those two -- or maybe that's the wrong word -- can we have some kind of union of those two issues?"
"Well, it seems that the military has gone around and fired a whole bunch of people who speak foreign languages -- Farsi and Arabic, etc.," Ackerman said. "For some reason, the military seems more afraid of gay people than they are against terrorists, but they're very brave with the terrorists. ... If the terrorists ever got a hold of this information, they'd get a platoon of lesbians to chase us out of Baghdad."
"This absurdity can't continue," Ackerman later wrote in an August '07 Newsday op-ed. "The 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy is not only wasteful and inefficient, it's unfair and un-American. In the middle of a war we are throwing out good people who have volunteered to put their lives on the line for their country."
There's no doubt that trained Arabic speakers are increasingly worth their weight in gold. No one is arguing that the military shouldn't offer attractive recruitment and retention packages for those who want to join, nor that they should abandon an aggressive campaign to find new people who can get the job done. But on the long list of things our country can do to keep patriotic Americans like Bleu Copas, Cathleen Glover and other Arabic language experts in uniform is to get rid of the counter-productive law that bars them from service.
Retaining good straight troops to the tune of $150,000 may be an investment worth making, but in the long run, that platoon of lesbians might just turn out to be priceless, too.
The Army's six-figure solution to its retention crisis is missing one common-sense addition that could make a very big difference on the ground.
It's time to end "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." This absurdity, as Congressman Ackerman has said, can't continue.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Ethics Complaint Against Senator Tossed
Capitol Media Services
Tucson, Arizona | Published: 08.13.2008
On a party-line vote, the Senate Ethics Committee on Tuesday threw out a complaint that Sen. Jack Harper, R-Surprise, violated rules when he cut off debate on the last night of the session.
Sen. Jay Tibshraeny, R-Chandler, who cast the deciding vote, said Harper, who was presiding over the floor debate, handled the process "very poorly." But he also noted Harper apologized — though he never admitted violating the rules.
The vote disappointed Sen. Ken Cheuvront, D-Phoenix, who filed the complaint.
"You have three Republicans," he said of the five-member panel. "They whitewashed this whole thing."
Cheuvront also discounted the apology — which came only after the ethics complaint was filed — as meaningless. He said the only message that sends future lawmakers is they are free to ignore the rules and then be able to escape any retribution by simply apologizing.
Harper, for his part, remained adamant he did nothing wrong. He said it was Cheuvront and Sen. Paula Aboud, D-Tucson, who were breaking Senate rules that night by engaging in a time-wasting question-and-answer session on a tax bill in hopes of delaying a vote on a measure to constitutionally ban same-sex marriage.
And Harper said he was justified in shutting off their microphones.
"They did not have the right to retain the floor," he said. "It was a charade."
But Harper continued to sidestep questions of why, if he was entitled to cut off debate, he did not rule the pair out of order. Instead, he said at the time, "I clicked on the wrong thing. I clicked on the clear mics" button.
Instead he apologized for "my less-than-stellar acting when the mics were shut off."
Harper also conceded he did not acknowledge any of the calls from the floor for a "point of order," a parliamentary maneuver designed to call attention to an apparently illegal maneuver. Instead, Harper said, he was focused on a motion to suspend further debate, and "nothing else was coherent to me."
Tuesday's vote is the final word on what became a heated dispute the last night of the session over that Senate vote to ask voters to adopt the constitutional amendment on gay marriage.
Cheuvront said he and Aboud, both of whom are gay, had purposely slowed up floor action. There was the possibility that one of the 16 senators whose vote was necessary to approve the gay-marriage amendment would have to leave.
But Cheuvront charged that Harper, who was presiding over the meeting, acted "in cahoots" with Senate Majority Leader Thayer Verschoor, R-Gilbert, to illegally shut off debate on that tax measure.
Harper said under oath Tuesday that he and Verschoor had discussed ways of cutting off debate.
He said, though, it was clear that Cheuvront and Aboud were not interested in the specifics of the tax bill but only to "keep the marriage amendment from coming to the ballot." That, said Harper, gave him the legal right to cut off "this charade."
And if that intent were not crystal-clear that night, Harper said Aboud admitted to it just recently in a radio interview.
"My intentions are irrelevant," Cheuvront said, saying his right to discuss the tax bill with Aboud for as long as he wants is absolute under Senate rules — even if they decided to talk all night.
Sen. Robert Blendu, R-Litchfield Park, one of the members of the Ethics Committee, said the complaint was little more than sour grapes by foes of the gay-marriage amendment who were unable to block a vote.
"Because one group lost and didn't get their way, we find ourselves with an ethics violation," he said. "That is a very bad precedent for this body going forward."
Cheuvront responded he has been on the losing side on various votes on this issue before, all without filing complaints, because everyone followed the rules.
He also denied the complaint was filed to undermine Harper's bid for re-election and strengthen the campaign of Wickenburg resident John Zerby in the Republican primary.
Tucson, Arizona | Published: 08.13.2008
On a party-line vote, the Senate Ethics Committee on Tuesday threw out a complaint that Sen. Jack Harper, R-Surprise, violated rules when he cut off debate on the last night of the session.
Sen. Jay Tibshraeny, R-Chandler, who cast the deciding vote, said Harper, who was presiding over the floor debate, handled the process "very poorly." But he also noted Harper apologized — though he never admitted violating the rules.
The vote disappointed Sen. Ken Cheuvront, D-Phoenix, who filed the complaint.
"You have three Republicans," he said of the five-member panel. "They whitewashed this whole thing."
Cheuvront also discounted the apology — which came only after the ethics complaint was filed — as meaningless. He said the only message that sends future lawmakers is they are free to ignore the rules and then be able to escape any retribution by simply apologizing.
Harper, for his part, remained adamant he did nothing wrong. He said it was Cheuvront and Sen. Paula Aboud, D-Tucson, who were breaking Senate rules that night by engaging in a time-wasting question-and-answer session on a tax bill in hopes of delaying a vote on a measure to constitutionally ban same-sex marriage.
And Harper said he was justified in shutting off their microphones.
"They did not have the right to retain the floor," he said. "It was a charade."
But Harper continued to sidestep questions of why, if he was entitled to cut off debate, he did not rule the pair out of order. Instead, he said at the time, "I clicked on the wrong thing. I clicked on the clear mics" button.
Instead he apologized for "my less-than-stellar acting when the mics were shut off."
Harper also conceded he did not acknowledge any of the calls from the floor for a "point of order," a parliamentary maneuver designed to call attention to an apparently illegal maneuver. Instead, Harper said, he was focused on a motion to suspend further debate, and "nothing else was coherent to me."
Tuesday's vote is the final word on what became a heated dispute the last night of the session over that Senate vote to ask voters to adopt the constitutional amendment on gay marriage.
Cheuvront said he and Aboud, both of whom are gay, had purposely slowed up floor action. There was the possibility that one of the 16 senators whose vote was necessary to approve the gay-marriage amendment would have to leave.
But Cheuvront charged that Harper, who was presiding over the meeting, acted "in cahoots" with Senate Majority Leader Thayer Verschoor, R-Gilbert, to illegally shut off debate on that tax measure.
Harper said under oath Tuesday that he and Verschoor had discussed ways of cutting off debate.
He said, though, it was clear that Cheuvront and Aboud were not interested in the specifics of the tax bill but only to "keep the marriage amendment from coming to the ballot." That, said Harper, gave him the legal right to cut off "this charade."
And if that intent were not crystal-clear that night, Harper said Aboud admitted to it just recently in a radio interview.
"My intentions are irrelevant," Cheuvront said, saying his right to discuss the tax bill with Aboud for as long as he wants is absolute under Senate rules — even if they decided to talk all night.
Sen. Robert Blendu, R-Litchfield Park, one of the members of the Ethics Committee, said the complaint was little more than sour grapes by foes of the gay-marriage amendment who were unable to block a vote.
"Because one group lost and didn't get their way, we find ourselves with an ethics violation," he said. "That is a very bad precedent for this body going forward."
Cheuvront responded he has been on the losing side on various votes on this issue before, all without filing complaints, because everyone followed the rules.
He also denied the complaint was filed to undermine Harper's bid for re-election and strengthen the campaign of Wickenburg resident John Zerby in the Republican primary.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
M.S.N. Weekly eNEWs for 7 / 24 / 2008
Men’s Social Network
Tucson, Arizona Weekly eNEWs
July 24th, 2008
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on the top tool bar of your browser in order to go to the site to view the contents. Don’t know how to
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This Week on the M.S.N. Calendar - -
Tucson, Arizona Weekly eNEWs
July 24th, 2008
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(Notice: It might be necessary to “Copy and Paste” the links in this newsletter to the URL address space
on the top tool bar of your browser in order to go to the site to view the contents. Don’t know how to
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This Week on the M.S.N. Calendar - -
Thursday the 24th: (Triangle Tribe will be back next month.)
7:00PM Bridge with Ike, phone 207-6264
Friday the 25th: Another open Friday night -- why not plan an event??
Saturday the 26th: (Coffee at The Crave has been cancelled until fall.)
7PM Pinochle, call Marvin @ 745-0304
Sunday the 27th: 7PM Dinner OUT at Le Rendez-Vous at 3844 E. Ft. Lowell Rd. Call Thom @ 908-6160 or Davis @ 325-4754
Monday the 28th: An open Monday night -- got anything going??
Tuesday the 29th: Open Tuesday night -- those good old hot summer nights!!
Wednesday the 30th: 7PM Hand and Foot, phone Peter at 881-8276
Weekly Notes:
#1 Lee Roden (better half of the Lee & Merlin team - wink Merlin!!!) “Lee, we all wish you a speedy recovery.” Lee is recovering from a bout with Chicken Pox. Please email Merlin for further information: msnguys@cox.net
#2 We are seeking a volunteer for a new position to be known as “M.S.N. Events Reporter.” This position would require someone that has the time, the writing talent and if possible a digital camera that can attend the various events we hold during the month and submit their article for either the weekly or monthly news.
Although the position is volunteer, any out of pocket expenses involved will be reimbursed if “in the line of duty.” This position would also be involved in helping with the maintenance of our web sites, helping with the weekly e-NEWs and monthly Network Newsletter. Anyone interested??
Drop an email with: “M.S.N. Events Reporter” in the Subject and just a brief “resume” and some ideas of what you feel you can contribute to the overall membership in this position. Thanks much, Thom
email: msn.communicator@gmail.com
#3 All readers - - PLEASE HELP - - In order for us to verify the information we have on file about our members (or non-members), please take a few minutes to send an e-mail to: msn.communicator@gmail.com (this will also let me know that you are receiving this email and it is not going into your SPAM file!!) with SUBJECT: “Brief Profile” typed in the subject line. Your name, (and if you have a significant other, his name and his email address if different than yours), state if you are an annual paid M.S.N. Member, a former M.S.N. member or a friend of the MSN (non-member but a supporter of M.S.N.), your birth date ( & partners BDate), your anniversary date (if applicable) this will allow us to verify the annual directory information that we have; And a list of any of our web sites you are signed up for receiving email from (see very end of this eNEWs for a list) and LAST OF ALL, PLEASE tell us if you would rather receive the monthly newsletter/calendar in the mail, or on line, or BOTH. Thank you.
Happy Birthday this week
Richard Blatnick - July 24th
Bruce Karam - July 28th
Happy Anniversary
Stephen Billings and Perry Higgins
July 24th
--------------------------------------------------------------------
OUT in Tucson and the State this week - -
Check out the local news and events on the following popular web sites - -
To view the latest gay community news and events, visit Wingspan's website at: www.wingspan.org
Catch the latest in our local Gay Newspaper: http://www.tucsonobserver.com
email: msn.communicator@gmail.com
#3 All readers - - PLEASE HELP - - In order for us to verify the information we have on file about our members (or non-members), please take a few minutes to send an e-mail to: msn.communicator@gmail.com (this will also let me know that you are receiving this email and it is not going into your SPAM file!!) with SUBJECT: “Brief Profile” typed in the subject line. Your name, (and if you have a significant other, his name and his email address if different than yours), state if you are an annual paid M.S.N. Member, a former M.S.N. member or a friend of the MSN (non-member but a supporter of M.S.N.), your birth date ( & partners BDate), your anniversary date (if applicable) this will allow us to verify the annual directory information that we have; And a list of any of our web sites you are signed up for receiving email from (see very end of this eNEWs for a list) and LAST OF ALL, PLEASE tell us if you would rather receive the monthly newsletter/calendar in the mail, or on line, or BOTH. Thank you.
Happy Birthday this week
Richard Blatnick - July 24th
Bruce Karam - July 28th
Happy Anniversary
Stephen Billings and Perry Higgins
July 24th
--------------------------------------------------------------------
OUT in Tucson and the State this week - -
Check out the local news and events on the following popular web sites - -
To view the latest gay community news and events, visit Wingspan's website at: www.wingspan.org
Catch the latest in our local Gay Newspaper: http://www.tucsonobserver.com
OUT in the Nation and World this week - -
Gay City News - - check it out - -
http://gaycitynews.com/site/news.asp?brd=2729&pag=460&dept_id=569346
Election 2008 (Links for Information) - -
Top stories, video & features In conjunction with POLITICO go here:
New Trick for Old Dog
If you ever have a question about anything sent to you telling you something they know and want to share with you or if you read an email and think that a deal is too good to be true -- go to http://www.snoopes.com/ and search for the truth about a possible misleading bit of information or a scam.
This in particular upsets me -- I, for one, have passed this along for a couple years now, only to find that I have been misled: “a couple drops Lemon Fresh Joy or Listerine in a bowl of water will kill of at an outdoor party spoiling mosquitoes dead from the sky - -
http://www.snopes.com/oldwives/dishsoap.asp
Oh, and here is all the scoop from snope about Barach Obama, it is already a long list and by the time elections roll around I am sure it will be much longer!!! - - http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/obama.asp
Last but Not Least - - The Jokers Corner
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. (and the fish are safe)
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
16. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
17. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
18. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
19. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
20. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
21. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 22. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
23. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
24. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
25. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
__________________________________________________________________
If you have an article or event that you would like to have included in the weekly e-news, please submit your information, comments and suggestions to: msn.communicator@gmail.com
Deadline for the weekly eNEWs is Tuesday by NOON!!!
Hearing from our members is always much appreciated be it good or bad!!
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Monday, July 14, 2008
8 KINDS OF SEX EVERY COUPLE SHOULD TRY
By Amy Spencer
Sure, you and your guy have good sex. Ideally, you have fantastic sex, as often as possible. But there's more to a solid sex life than just straight-up great sex. A truly amazing sexual connection encompasses lots of different kinds of sex — maybe even ones you wouldn't expect. After all, your relationship isn't one-note, so why should your sex life be?
"You change, you age, and you grow as a couple in an emotional and an intellectual way," says Laura Meers, Ph.D., a psychologist in family practice in Columbus, OH. "Hopefully you're growing and changing sexually too. And the more dimensions there are in a relationship in general, the more you will see those dimensions reflected in your sex life."
See which kinds of sex you and your other half have hit so far. As for the ones you haven't, well...you know what to do.
1. Pushing-Your-Boundaries Sex
There's nothing like the moment when you're lying naked with the man you've known and loved for a long time, panting and puffing, thinking, Wow, we've never done that before.
"People in long-term relationships sometimes crave excitement and stimulation, but don't know how to get it with their partner," explains Meers, who adds that this is one of the reasons people stray outside the marriage. "But you can get that in your current relationship by pushing your regular comfort zone." If you're used to missionary, that may mean trying a new position or a new room in the house; if you're used to stimulation by body parts alone, it may be a sex toy thrown in the mix. And if you feel a little anxious about experimenting, says Meers, all the better: "The anxiety you feel about trying something new mimics what happens when you're with somebody new. So if you can create that feeling within the confines of an intimate, close, trusting relationship, you will keep reenergizing what you have.
"And there's another important benefit: Pushing your boundaries helps build trust between you. "When you communicate a desire to your partner — and, ultimately, try it — you're taking a big risk together," says Anita Clayton, M.D., a professor at the University of Virginia's Department of Psychiatric Medicine and author of the book Satisfaction. Taking that risk, she says, is a bonding activity in and of itself.
2. Maintenance Sex
Let's face it — sex just isn't going to be an eye-gazing spiritual encounter every time. "Some couples think everything has to feel perfect, or you both have to be in a sexual mood to have sex, but if everyone waited for that, sex wouldn't happen very often at all," says Clayton. That's where maintenance sex comes in — when you just do it, even if your engine isn't necessarily raring for a ride.
Just-for-the-sake-of-it sex is vital to a long-term relationship, because no matter how much you love your family, your friends, or your kids, and no matter how much time you spend with them, you won't spend time like this with anyone else. "Sex is the one activity a couple has that excludes other people," says Clayton. "It keeps your bond unique and strong." By making a habit of it, you're building regular opportunities for connection into your lives.
Take it from Olivia, 33, a stay-at-home mom in New Jersey who relies on occasional maintenance sex to keep her relationship energized. "My husband always wants to do it, but as a new mom, I'm tired all the time," says Olivia. "But when I make the effort, I always feel closer to him afterward. Even if the sex is mediocre, it feels like we've come together and nothing can get in the way of our relationship."
And let's not forget how good regular sex is for you: It relieves stress, it burns calories, and it elevates your mood, says Meers. According to Olivia, it also keeps her sex drive steady: "Doing it sometimes when I'm not in the mood keeps me geared up for something much hotter other times."
3. Embarrassing-Moment Sex
It's bound to happen eventually: One of you emits an awkward grunt, your sweat-soaked skin slaps together in a cringe-inducing fashion, or your partner pulls or pushes in such a way as to create a "schluup" sound that both of you would like to forget. As mortifying as a moment like this may be — even with someone you've been with for a long time — it is a good reminder that sex is a raw, Discovery Channel kind of act. It's not supposed to be flawless. "Sex is full of smells and sights and sounds; it's natural," says Debra Herbenick, Ph.D., a researcher for the Kinsey Institute and associate director for the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University. "You're having sex with human bodies, and they do funny things sometimes, and that's okay."
And your ability to deal with a red-in-the-face moment — whether you laugh it off or give each other a sympathetic squeeze — says a lot about the strength of your bond. "True intimacy is about being able to feel comfortable and real with each other in awkward, embarrassing situations," says Ruth Morehouse, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and marriage and family therapist in Evergreen, CO.
Noelle, a 32-year-old grad student in Washington, DC, remembers her last embarrassing sex moment: "When my boyfriend pulled out, I had my first 'queef' moment, if I can use that word," says Noelle. "We'd been together two years by then, but we were both stunned and didn't know what to say. Finally I said, 'Whoops!' and we just carried on. I was almost relieved, like it was this big hurdle we finally got out of the way. And because, hey, it's normal."
4. Vacation Sex
"My husband and I had the best vacation sex recently in Hawaii," says Francine, a 36-year-old mother of two from New York City. "We were on the top floor of the resort, so we knew no one was above us to see or hear us. And the room had these huge floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the ocean. It felt like we were having sex outdoors, but without the nuisance of the sand going up our butts!"
Ah, yes, the turn-on effect of the tropics. And thank goodness for it, because vacation sex is a vital part of a good sex life. "On vacation, you're at your most carefree, which means you can try new things you won't have to be accountable for at home," says Meers. In other words, you can have sex on the beach or in a car, or flirt madly in a restaurant, or, like Francine, have what feels like sex in public — all of which you might not do at home, for fear someone you know would see you or find out. "Taking risks like this adds to the excitement," says Meers. And ideally, you can bring that burst of excitement back home with you.
The point is, if life in the bedroom is feeling blah, it's often your surroundings that are getting stale, not your partner. So if you haven't had vacation sex lately, do it! You don't need a plane ticket to get started: "Head to a hotel downtown and call it a vacation," says Meers, who often recommends vacation sex to her clients. "You can look forward to it and build it up beforehand for even better sex."
5. Slow-Road-to-Sleep Sex
We all know by now that it's the journey that really matters in life, not the destination. In sex, that means not every sexual experience should be focused on getting to the orgasm(s). But the truth is, not every sexual experience leads anywhere at all. Some nights, you start out on the journey and you'd like to keep going, but, boy, sleep sounds so darn good too...and that's when things peter out.
Luckily, the experts say this kind of sex is still good for your bond. "Even acknowledging that you want your partner is important, whether or not you follow through," says Meers. If you feel sleep coming on, Meers suggests you say to your partner, "'I love you so much and I want you.' Just saying it out loud, that counts for a lot too." In the meantime, you're just two warm bodies who love each other and appreciate that a sweet, simple touch can be enough for the night.
6. Make-up Sex
It's been said you shouldn't go to bed angry. And sometimes, you can take that to a different extreme, ensuring that after a fight you go to bed happy — very, very happy. Yes, we're talking about the wild and intense world of make-up sex, when one minute you're reeling from anger, and the next you're rolling around making passionate love. Make-up sex works because after a fight, you're raw, exposed, and vulnerable — perfect conditions for intense, soul-to-soul physical bonding. "In many ways, make-up sex restores a level of closeness that you may feel was fractured by the argument," says Clayton. "Sex can repair that fracture."
One commonsense caveat: "Some people pick fights in order to be able to make up," says Clayton. Other couples ignore their real problems and have sex instead. If the only time you're getting along is when you're in the sack, maybe you should take a break from the make-ups and face your issues with your clothes on first.
7. Comfort Sex
If you're feeling sad, depressed, grieving, alone, or hurt, sex can be the perfect antidote. Why? Because it's the opposite of all those things — it's about being close, warm, loving, and together. And because sometimes talking about your troubles or sadness isn't what you want, while sex can be.
"My husband's mom had Parkinson's and a stroke, my dad had major heart surgery, and my mom had Alzheimer's, so my husband and I have spent a lot of time in bed comforting each other," explains Beth, 57, a former teacher and stay-at-home mom in Chicago. "In those times, sometimes it's full-penetration sex, sometimes it's just snuggling, sometimes it's manually stimulating each other, but for us it's important. It makes you remember why you're living. If you focus on the bad stuff to the end, it's not worth it. You have to focus on what makes you want to get up every morning, what makes you want to go through every day. And part of that, for us, is the sex.
"That desire for a connection is not only common, says Morehouse, it's important as a life-affirming act in the face of grief. "Sex is a way of declaring your aliveness," says Morehouse. "It's a way of defending yourself against the inevitability of death or loss." Usually, she says, comfort sex is "more poignant, more sweet, and perhaps more emotional than usual" because the desire to connect to life is so great.
And that thriving, healing act can also help people who feel torn apart from each other during a difficult period. "Grief tends to drive a wedge between couples," says Clayton, noting that partners sometimes blame themselves, or each other, during a loss. "I've seen couples break up because something bad happens, but sex can help restore the intimate relationship you have. Instead of letting grief pull you apart, you can use it to pull each other close again."
8. Crazy Hang-from-the-Chandelier Sex
You know what we're talking about: wild, sweaty, so-good-it-makes-you-dizzy sex. No matter how long you've been together, you need to have earthshaking sex like this once in a while — even if it's once in a very long while. For long-term couples, having an extra-hot sexual experience is "like a flashback," says Morehouse. "It can stimulate those early feelings you had toward someone in the beginning, and it reminds you what you're capable of as a couple."
"People think the steamy stuff only happens before you are married or pre-kids, but we are going on 25 years of marriage and still have passionate hot sex!" says Maureen, a self-employed New Jersey mother of three in her mid-40s. She remembers one recent night that felt as hot as the old flames. "I'd just finished cooking dinner, and no kids were home. When my husband came in, he said he was going upstairs to change. But as he kissed me, it evolved from just talking about the day to sex on the kitchen counter. It was totally spontaneous and unexpected!"
This kind of sex is also important on a deeper level. "It requires a lot of intimacy to let your partner see you in the throes of sexual abandon," explains Morehouse. "When you display that side of yourself, you have to deal with questions like, What if my face gets purple or my eyes go back in my head? To express a higher level of sensuality like this is another way of being intimate." And let's not forget how much a toe-curling orgasm does to keep your eyes bright and your soul smiling!
Sure, you and your guy have good sex. Ideally, you have fantastic sex, as often as possible. But there's more to a solid sex life than just straight-up great sex. A truly amazing sexual connection encompasses lots of different kinds of sex — maybe even ones you wouldn't expect. After all, your relationship isn't one-note, so why should your sex life be?
"You change, you age, and you grow as a couple in an emotional and an intellectual way," says Laura Meers, Ph.D., a psychologist in family practice in Columbus, OH. "Hopefully you're growing and changing sexually too. And the more dimensions there are in a relationship in general, the more you will see those dimensions reflected in your sex life."
See which kinds of sex you and your other half have hit so far. As for the ones you haven't, well...you know what to do.
1. Pushing-Your-Boundaries Sex
There's nothing like the moment when you're lying naked with the man you've known and loved for a long time, panting and puffing, thinking, Wow, we've never done that before.
"People in long-term relationships sometimes crave excitement and stimulation, but don't know how to get it with their partner," explains Meers, who adds that this is one of the reasons people stray outside the marriage. "But you can get that in your current relationship by pushing your regular comfort zone." If you're used to missionary, that may mean trying a new position or a new room in the house; if you're used to stimulation by body parts alone, it may be a sex toy thrown in the mix. And if you feel a little anxious about experimenting, says Meers, all the better: "The anxiety you feel about trying something new mimics what happens when you're with somebody new. So if you can create that feeling within the confines of an intimate, close, trusting relationship, you will keep reenergizing what you have.
"And there's another important benefit: Pushing your boundaries helps build trust between you. "When you communicate a desire to your partner — and, ultimately, try it — you're taking a big risk together," says Anita Clayton, M.D., a professor at the University of Virginia's Department of Psychiatric Medicine and author of the book Satisfaction. Taking that risk, she says, is a bonding activity in and of itself.
2. Maintenance Sex
Let's face it — sex just isn't going to be an eye-gazing spiritual encounter every time. "Some couples think everything has to feel perfect, or you both have to be in a sexual mood to have sex, but if everyone waited for that, sex wouldn't happen very often at all," says Clayton. That's where maintenance sex comes in — when you just do it, even if your engine isn't necessarily raring for a ride.
Just-for-the-sake-of-it sex is vital to a long-term relationship, because no matter how much you love your family, your friends, or your kids, and no matter how much time you spend with them, you won't spend time like this with anyone else. "Sex is the one activity a couple has that excludes other people," says Clayton. "It keeps your bond unique and strong." By making a habit of it, you're building regular opportunities for connection into your lives.
Take it from Olivia, 33, a stay-at-home mom in New Jersey who relies on occasional maintenance sex to keep her relationship energized. "My husband always wants to do it, but as a new mom, I'm tired all the time," says Olivia. "But when I make the effort, I always feel closer to him afterward. Even if the sex is mediocre, it feels like we've come together and nothing can get in the way of our relationship."
And let's not forget how good regular sex is for you: It relieves stress, it burns calories, and it elevates your mood, says Meers. According to Olivia, it also keeps her sex drive steady: "Doing it sometimes when I'm not in the mood keeps me geared up for something much hotter other times."
3. Embarrassing-Moment Sex
It's bound to happen eventually: One of you emits an awkward grunt, your sweat-soaked skin slaps together in a cringe-inducing fashion, or your partner pulls or pushes in such a way as to create a "schluup" sound that both of you would like to forget. As mortifying as a moment like this may be — even with someone you've been with for a long time — it is a good reminder that sex is a raw, Discovery Channel kind of act. It's not supposed to be flawless. "Sex is full of smells and sights and sounds; it's natural," says Debra Herbenick, Ph.D., a researcher for the Kinsey Institute and associate director for the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University. "You're having sex with human bodies, and they do funny things sometimes, and that's okay."
And your ability to deal with a red-in-the-face moment — whether you laugh it off or give each other a sympathetic squeeze — says a lot about the strength of your bond. "True intimacy is about being able to feel comfortable and real with each other in awkward, embarrassing situations," says Ruth Morehouse, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and marriage and family therapist in Evergreen, CO.
Noelle, a 32-year-old grad student in Washington, DC, remembers her last embarrassing sex moment: "When my boyfriend pulled out, I had my first 'queef' moment, if I can use that word," says Noelle. "We'd been together two years by then, but we were both stunned and didn't know what to say. Finally I said, 'Whoops!' and we just carried on. I was almost relieved, like it was this big hurdle we finally got out of the way. And because, hey, it's normal."
4. Vacation Sex
"My husband and I had the best vacation sex recently in Hawaii," says Francine, a 36-year-old mother of two from New York City. "We were on the top floor of the resort, so we knew no one was above us to see or hear us. And the room had these huge floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the ocean. It felt like we were having sex outdoors, but without the nuisance of the sand going up our butts!"
Ah, yes, the turn-on effect of the tropics. And thank goodness for it, because vacation sex is a vital part of a good sex life. "On vacation, you're at your most carefree, which means you can try new things you won't have to be accountable for at home," says Meers. In other words, you can have sex on the beach or in a car, or flirt madly in a restaurant, or, like Francine, have what feels like sex in public — all of which you might not do at home, for fear someone you know would see you or find out. "Taking risks like this adds to the excitement," says Meers. And ideally, you can bring that burst of excitement back home with you.
The point is, if life in the bedroom is feeling blah, it's often your surroundings that are getting stale, not your partner. So if you haven't had vacation sex lately, do it! You don't need a plane ticket to get started: "Head to a hotel downtown and call it a vacation," says Meers, who often recommends vacation sex to her clients. "You can look forward to it and build it up beforehand for even better sex."
5. Slow-Road-to-Sleep Sex
We all know by now that it's the journey that really matters in life, not the destination. In sex, that means not every sexual experience should be focused on getting to the orgasm(s). But the truth is, not every sexual experience leads anywhere at all. Some nights, you start out on the journey and you'd like to keep going, but, boy, sleep sounds so darn good too...and that's when things peter out.
Luckily, the experts say this kind of sex is still good for your bond. "Even acknowledging that you want your partner is important, whether or not you follow through," says Meers. If you feel sleep coming on, Meers suggests you say to your partner, "'I love you so much and I want you.' Just saying it out loud, that counts for a lot too." In the meantime, you're just two warm bodies who love each other and appreciate that a sweet, simple touch can be enough for the night.
6. Make-up Sex
It's been said you shouldn't go to bed angry. And sometimes, you can take that to a different extreme, ensuring that after a fight you go to bed happy — very, very happy. Yes, we're talking about the wild and intense world of make-up sex, when one minute you're reeling from anger, and the next you're rolling around making passionate love. Make-up sex works because after a fight, you're raw, exposed, and vulnerable — perfect conditions for intense, soul-to-soul physical bonding. "In many ways, make-up sex restores a level of closeness that you may feel was fractured by the argument," says Clayton. "Sex can repair that fracture."
One commonsense caveat: "Some people pick fights in order to be able to make up," says Clayton. Other couples ignore their real problems and have sex instead. If the only time you're getting along is when you're in the sack, maybe you should take a break from the make-ups and face your issues with your clothes on first.
7. Comfort Sex
If you're feeling sad, depressed, grieving, alone, or hurt, sex can be the perfect antidote. Why? Because it's the opposite of all those things — it's about being close, warm, loving, and together. And because sometimes talking about your troubles or sadness isn't what you want, while sex can be.
"My husband's mom had Parkinson's and a stroke, my dad had major heart surgery, and my mom had Alzheimer's, so my husband and I have spent a lot of time in bed comforting each other," explains Beth, 57, a former teacher and stay-at-home mom in Chicago. "In those times, sometimes it's full-penetration sex, sometimes it's just snuggling, sometimes it's manually stimulating each other, but for us it's important. It makes you remember why you're living. If you focus on the bad stuff to the end, it's not worth it. You have to focus on what makes you want to get up every morning, what makes you want to go through every day. And part of that, for us, is the sex.
"That desire for a connection is not only common, says Morehouse, it's important as a life-affirming act in the face of grief. "Sex is a way of declaring your aliveness," says Morehouse. "It's a way of defending yourself against the inevitability of death or loss." Usually, she says, comfort sex is "more poignant, more sweet, and perhaps more emotional than usual" because the desire to connect to life is so great.
And that thriving, healing act can also help people who feel torn apart from each other during a difficult period. "Grief tends to drive a wedge between couples," says Clayton, noting that partners sometimes blame themselves, or each other, during a loss. "I've seen couples break up because something bad happens, but sex can help restore the intimate relationship you have. Instead of letting grief pull you apart, you can use it to pull each other close again."
8. Crazy Hang-from-the-Chandelier Sex
You know what we're talking about: wild, sweaty, so-good-it-makes-you-dizzy sex. No matter how long you've been together, you need to have earthshaking sex like this once in a while — even if it's once in a very long while. For long-term couples, having an extra-hot sexual experience is "like a flashback," says Morehouse. "It can stimulate those early feelings you had toward someone in the beginning, and it reminds you what you're capable of as a couple."
"People think the steamy stuff only happens before you are married or pre-kids, but we are going on 25 years of marriage and still have passionate hot sex!" says Maureen, a self-employed New Jersey mother of three in her mid-40s. She remembers one recent night that felt as hot as the old flames. "I'd just finished cooking dinner, and no kids were home. When my husband came in, he said he was going upstairs to change. But as he kissed me, it evolved from just talking about the day to sex on the kitchen counter. It was totally spontaneous and unexpected!"
This kind of sex is also important on a deeper level. "It requires a lot of intimacy to let your partner see you in the throes of sexual abandon," explains Morehouse. "When you display that side of yourself, you have to deal with questions like, What if my face gets purple or my eyes go back in my head? To express a higher level of sensuality like this is another way of being intimate." And let's not forget how much a toe-curling orgasm does to keep your eyes bright and your soul smiling!
Sunday, July 13, 2008
UPCOMING GAY COMMUNITY EVENTS - -
(from Wingspan EVENT CALENDAR)
Jul 13, 2008
9th Annual TIHAN Night at the Sidewinders
9th Annual TIHAN Night at the Sidewinders to benefit the Tucson Interfaith HIV/AIDS Network's (TIHAN) services for people living with HIV/AIDS! Enjoy the doubleheader against the ...See Full Details
Jul 13, 2008
The Colorful Life of Shellie Lynn
Wingspan’s “Colorful Life Series” features the interesting, exciting and sometimes unusual lives of LGBT people in our community.Son, brother, husband, father, grandfather. At...See Full Details
Jul 19, 2008
Free Beginners Computer Classes for Seniors
If you have always wanted to know more about using a computer and your friends are bugging you to wade into the cyberworld, this is a perfect opportunity. You'll learn from the pro...See Full Details
Jul 20, 2008
Dr. Anne Stericker to Speak at Dezert Partnerz
The July meeting of the Dezert Partnerz group will feature a presentation by Dr. Anne Bradford Stericker, a Tucson therapist who has provided support and counseling to the transgen...See Full Details
Jul 20, 2008
Rainbow Families Bowling
Come join Rainbow Families for two hours of bowling at Lucky Strike Bowl, 4015 E Speedway (just east of Alvernon), July 20 2 to 4 pm.The cost is $6.49 per bowler and includes t...See Full Details
Jul 26, 2008
Free Beginners Computer Classes for Seniors
If you have always wanted to know more about using a computer and your friends are bugging you to wade into the cyberworld, this is a perfect opportunity. You'll learn from the pro...See Full Details
Jul 26, 2008
Senior Pride / Eon Poetry Reading and Open Mic
We'll meet in the library at Wingspan, surrounded by books and words and have some intergenerational poetry fun. This is not a slam, no judges, no competition. It's a chance to s...See Full Details
Aug 02, 2008
Free Beginners Computer Classes for Seniors
If you have always wanted to know more about using a computer and your friends are bugging you to wade into the cyberworld, this is a perfect opportunity. You'll learn from the pro...See Full Details
Aug 02, 2008
Home Matters: Immigration and LGBT Life
The Community Conversation series, celebrating Wingspan's 20th anniversary, opens its third conversation, Home Matters: Immigration and LGBT Life.See Full Details
Aug 09, 2008
Seminarios Hombre a Hombre
Ven con los Hombres y gana $50 en gasolina!Estas Invitado a Una Retirada de HOMBRE a HOMBREEl 9 y 10 de Agosto del 2008Una retirada LIBRE durante el fin de semana para ho...See Full Details
Aug 10, 2008
Seminarios Hombre a Hombre
Ven con los Hombres y gana $50 en gasolina!Estas Invitado a Una Retirada de HOMBRE a HOMBREEl 9 y 10 de Agosto del 2008Una retirada LIBRE durante el fin de semana para h...See Full Details
Aug 17, 2008
SAVE THE DATE: Rainbow Families - Mt. Lemmon Trip
Enjoy a trip up to the cool temperatures of Mt. Lemmon. Meet at the NE corner of Tanque Verde and Catalina Hwy at the McDonalds at 11am to caravan/car pool up the mountian. There...See Full Details
Aug 24, 2008
SAVE THE DATE: Turnabout for TIHAN - "Stonewall Riot"
What is "Turnabout for TIHAN"? Turnabout is an annual show put on by some of Tucson's LGBT clubs and their bar staff. The staff request donations from their friends and customers...See Full Details
Sep 11, 2008
SAVE THE DATE: TIHAN Team Member Orientation
TIHAN (Tucson Interfaith HIV/AIDS Network) is seeking a diverse group of volunteers that represent a cross section of our community to join existing volunteers in meeting the progr...See Full Details
Oct 19, 2008
SAVE THE DATE: AIDSWALK 2008, Everybody's Walk
The Twentieth Annual AIDSWALK will take place on Sunday, October 19, 2008 at the UA campus on the mall. For registration and information, please go to www.AIDSWALKTUCSON.com. Rem...See Full Details
(from Wingspan EVENT CALENDAR)
Jul 13, 2008
9th Annual TIHAN Night at the Sidewinders
9th Annual TIHAN Night at the Sidewinders to benefit the Tucson Interfaith HIV/AIDS Network's (TIHAN) services for people living with HIV/AIDS! Enjoy the doubleheader against the ...See Full Details
Jul 13, 2008
The Colorful Life of Shellie Lynn
Wingspan’s “Colorful Life Series” features the interesting, exciting and sometimes unusual lives of LGBT people in our community.Son, brother, husband, father, grandfather. At...See Full Details
Jul 19, 2008
Free Beginners Computer Classes for Seniors
If you have always wanted to know more about using a computer and your friends are bugging you to wade into the cyberworld, this is a perfect opportunity. You'll learn from the pro...See Full Details
Jul 20, 2008
Dr. Anne Stericker to Speak at Dezert Partnerz
The July meeting of the Dezert Partnerz group will feature a presentation by Dr. Anne Bradford Stericker, a Tucson therapist who has provided support and counseling to the transgen...See Full Details
Jul 20, 2008
Rainbow Families Bowling
Come join Rainbow Families for two hours of bowling at Lucky Strike Bowl, 4015 E Speedway (just east of Alvernon), July 20 2 to 4 pm.The cost is $6.49 per bowler and includes t...See Full Details
Jul 26, 2008
Free Beginners Computer Classes for Seniors
If you have always wanted to know more about using a computer and your friends are bugging you to wade into the cyberworld, this is a perfect opportunity. You'll learn from the pro...See Full Details
Jul 26, 2008
Senior Pride / Eon Poetry Reading and Open Mic
We'll meet in the library at Wingspan, surrounded by books and words and have some intergenerational poetry fun. This is not a slam, no judges, no competition. It's a chance to s...See Full Details
Aug 02, 2008
Free Beginners Computer Classes for Seniors
If you have always wanted to know more about using a computer and your friends are bugging you to wade into the cyberworld, this is a perfect opportunity. You'll learn from the pro...See Full Details
Aug 02, 2008
Home Matters: Immigration and LGBT Life
The Community Conversation series, celebrating Wingspan's 20th anniversary, opens its third conversation, Home Matters: Immigration and LGBT Life.See Full Details
Aug 09, 2008
Seminarios Hombre a Hombre
Ven con los Hombres y gana $50 en gasolina!Estas Invitado a Una Retirada de HOMBRE a HOMBREEl 9 y 10 de Agosto del 2008Una retirada LIBRE durante el fin de semana para ho...See Full Details
Aug 10, 2008
Seminarios Hombre a Hombre
Ven con los Hombres y gana $50 en gasolina!Estas Invitado a Una Retirada de HOMBRE a HOMBREEl 9 y 10 de Agosto del 2008Una retirada LIBRE durante el fin de semana para h...See Full Details
Aug 17, 2008
SAVE THE DATE: Rainbow Families - Mt. Lemmon Trip
Enjoy a trip up to the cool temperatures of Mt. Lemmon. Meet at the NE corner of Tanque Verde and Catalina Hwy at the McDonalds at 11am to caravan/car pool up the mountian. There...See Full Details
Aug 24, 2008
SAVE THE DATE: Turnabout for TIHAN - "Stonewall Riot"
What is "Turnabout for TIHAN"? Turnabout is an annual show put on by some of Tucson's LGBT clubs and their bar staff. The staff request donations from their friends and customers...See Full Details
Sep 11, 2008
SAVE THE DATE: TIHAN Team Member Orientation
TIHAN (Tucson Interfaith HIV/AIDS Network) is seeking a diverse group of volunteers that represent a cross section of our community to join existing volunteers in meeting the progr...See Full Details
Oct 19, 2008
SAVE THE DATE: AIDSWALK 2008, Everybody's Walk
The Twentieth Annual AIDSWALK will take place on Sunday, October 19, 2008 at the UA campus on the mall. For registration and information, please go to www.AIDSWALKTUCSON.com. Rem...See Full Details
Friday, July 11, 2008
Selective Service
Registration with the United States Selective Service is required of all male citizens and permanent residents within 30 days of turning eighteen, even if you may not be eligible to serve in the military. You need to register even if you are gay, bi, or trans.
Failure to register with the Selective Service before the age of twenty-six will result in a permanent loss of eligibility for all federal Title IV education financial aid including Pell Grants, federal campus based aid programs, and the federal student loan program. Federal financial aid accounts for over 90% of the money available for education beyond high school, both for college and vocational training
Continue reading Young Gay Men & Selective Service.
Failure to register with the Selective Service before the age of twenty-six will result in a permanent loss of eligibility for all federal Title IV education financial aid including Pell Grants, federal campus based aid programs, and the federal student loan program. Federal financial aid accounts for over 90% of the money available for education beyond high school, both for college and vocational training
Continue reading Young Gay Men & Selective Service.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Homosexuals in the Armed Forces
On June 28th we remember the police riot with which the clients of a NY bar said no more to police mistreatment, and since 1969 more cities and countries have been adding themselves to this commemoration. There are also dates to demand the rights of women, African-origin groups, and other traditionally mistreated social sectors.
We have advanced! Every day more spaces give less resistance to differences, to sexual orientations and gender identities. On of the institutions where it has been most difficult to find respect and tolerance is the Armed Forces.
Two weeks ago, the Minister of National Defense of Uruguay, José Bayardi, at the close of the seminar on "The military institution and the State of Law: Military Justice and Discipline." assured that the fact of homosexuality does not alter the honor of the Armed Forces, recognizing that within them there are persons with these sexual orientations: Homosexuality o Homogenitality
With these affirmations we find that there are advances in the change of imagination, without abandoning the multiple forms of masculinity and homosexuality also awaiting that transsexual can enjoy being within and can act within the military institution without staying within the gender roles imposed by culture, religion and society.
Germán Humberto Rincón Perfetti
Bogotá - Colombia
On June 28th we remember the police riot with which the clients of a NY bar said no more to police mistreatment, and since 1969 more cities and countries have been adding themselves to this commemoration. There are also dates to demand the rights of women, African-origin groups, and other traditionally mistreated social sectors.
We have advanced! Every day more spaces give less resistance to differences, to sexual orientations and gender identities. On of the institutions where it has been most difficult to find respect and tolerance is the Armed Forces.
Two weeks ago, the Minister of National Defense of Uruguay, José Bayardi, at the close of the seminar on "The military institution and the State of Law: Military Justice and Discipline." assured that the fact of homosexuality does not alter the honor of the Armed Forces, recognizing that within them there are persons with these sexual orientations: Homosexuality o Homogenitality
With these affirmations we find that there are advances in the change of imagination, without abandoning the multiple forms of masculinity and homosexuality also awaiting that transsexual can enjoy being within and can act within the military institution without staying within the gender roles imposed by culture, religion and society.
Germán Humberto Rincón Perfetti
Bogotá - Colombia
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